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Dolly's Valley Update

Long live Snoopy & The Gang!

Peanuts Charles Schultz

Walt Willey & me....still my favorite guy on the show.
Why don't they give him a good story?

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Click here for the July 4th update.

November 20, 2000

Ship of Fools

Today marks an historical event for All My Children. It's the day that it officially crossed over from a soap (it gave up "cutting edge" way back) to a cartoon and shadow of it's former self. I stopped taking it seriously when they tried to make us believe that Erica had a 14 year old daughter and that she gave birth to her when she herself was 14. Uh huh..and 2 + 2 = -15...

So let's get to the dotcom party on the yacht, aptly named "Fidelity." I'm sure the weather is lovely on the ocean off of Pine Valley this time of year. We are supposed to believe that most of PV's upstanding citizens are inadvertently imbibing the Libidosone that Dr. Devilicious accidentally dropped into the punch as he was attempting to spike Tad's drink. Why wouldn't he just knock the punch bowl on the floor you say? Because he seems to like to stand back and watch the aftermath and he is such a bad, bad boy, that's why. What better test subjects than half of Pine Valley? It started off innocently enough....

Dr. Dave abruptly threw a pregnant teen out of PV hospital. The good fairy, Tina, who does nothing but flit from scene to scene like Tinkerbell, found said teen giving birth in some shack on the outskirts of town. (I feel a country music song coming on) She then promptly retrieved the limp Dr. Jake and his newly Martinized wife and they delivered the baby. Jake was so worried about the girl giving birth in unsanitary conditions that he rushed to the hospital to take care of his patients and check for staph infections and such, Wait...what? He didn't? He did What? He introduced his wife to Connie Lingus? I didn't know there was anyone else at the...Not Connie Ling....?.....Whoa....no wonder he talks funny...yes folks, right there in the love shack, formerly the birthing shack, Geeyun learned a new meaning to the phrase, tongue wagging. Of course, she was a European sophisticate when she first came to PV, but that memory seems to have eluded the writers...I mean...her.

On to Ryan, who gets the idea to throw a party on a yacht to raise money to help pregnant teens, since they are a new species to him. After this party, there may be a few more to help. (I think Becca is already pregnant. Either that or she has been trapped in the Martin kitchen being force fed by Ruth.) Jake signed up to test a new impotency drug seeing that the lost his ability to rise to the occasion after being shot in the back and having Ryan operate on him in a plane. Oh yes, let the guy who is sleeping with your wife perform surgery on you when the only thing he ever used a knife for was to butter a scone. Dr. Dave got his hands on the trial drug, Libidosine, and has just gone nuts with it. He has the hots for Dixie and makes love to a nurse that looks like her. He can't remember what happened but it slowly comes back to him. He still wants Dixie so he talked Leslie Coulson into getting Tad's attention while he slips the drug in Tad's drink. (Since Leslie is now an old H.S. Classmate of Tad's, even though she came in on the same train as the bad doctor) His plan is somewhat thwarted for the moment when Arlene, in disguise as a waitress, bumps into him and he drops the flask into the punch bowl. Well, everyone is just going nuts now! Dixie fells like she needs air and goes out on deck. Dave follows her and Tad beats the crap out of him...what were the side effects again? Insatiable appetite for sex, food and violence if I recall. Opal is stuffing her face (it would have been funnier if it was Hayley) with every morsel of food she can find. PV's resident lawyer and former D.A. is thinking of stuffing Erica with some nice Jack-wurst. Mateo looks like a chimp in heat and it looks like Bianca wants to introduce Laura to Connie. Arlene flips a breaker and the lights go out. Ryan shouts "Let's get nekkid! Did I say that out loud?" And then the bacchanalia really begins...

I need to know a few things here.

1. How many staterooms are there on this yacht?

2. Is anyone on the crew changing the bed linen or doesn't anyone care about the wet spots?
a. Is anyone using a bed?

3. Is anyone using birth control? (There are just some people you wouldn't want to see have children together. Vanessa and Palmer for example.)

4. Will they still respect each other in the morning?

The way people are running all over the boat at this point, I'm waiting to see Dr. Hackenbush chasing a giggling Tina across the ballroom. The punch bowl must be a cornucopia because it didn't look big enough to keep all those people drinking. And with refills yet...

5. Did Oddie kidnap Alex? He does have Alf running around in his head. How did they get off the boat without being seen? Maybe they pissed Greenlee off too?

Loved Arlene's disguise ...

Wonder what she's up too? Actually I think what's up is her contract. Too bad because she is one of the best characters on the show. At least she's going out with a bang. Too bad it's gonna be Mateo. My guess is that they don't actually do the deed but Hayley catches them and in a fit of anger, stabs her with a hair ornament and tosses her overboard. It would be interesting if they do the deed and Arlene's body isn't found (which it won't be anyway). A couple of years from now, she comes back to PV with a little monkey boy, stays at the Pine Cone, hides the kid under the bed in a gym bag...nah...too far fetched.

I suppose this is where they try to redeem the Rev. by having him save Laura from drowning. Sorry, but I cannot get past the fact that they even thought of dredging up the subject of Laura 1's death, let alone this lame story. This will probably open the door to he and Brooke having a romance. How many more people do they think we are going to believe had their face re arranged at Statesville? Who's next, Rebecca is really Billy Clyde Tuggle? Maybe Tina is Louie Greco.

Final thought for the night. Why was Arlene wearing Vanessa's new necklace when she was getting into bed with Mateo? How on earth did she get it off of her?


September 18, 2000

"Sometimes You Feel....."

Binky looks like she puked.Why doesn't she know anyone at this party?
Is she making goo goo eyes a the blond or just desperate for a friend?

Leo looks gooooooooooood! Loved it when he said, "Hi Count Miracula!" Dimi acted like that was an ad lib. Whaddya think? Too funny. Was that inferring to the fact that Dimi has come back for the umpteenth time or that Alex is 9 months pregnant and it's a miracle no
one has noticed. Perhaps they all
think she took up eating to thwart her depression after losing the count. Nah, I think I saw an arm hanging out today...

Now we know why Harold the dog had to die. Erica and Hayley are wearing what's left of him as hairpieces. Erica's doesn't look too bad (if she were 20 years younger), but Hayley looks like a string mop.
Nice thong by the way Halo. And Mateo, relegated to an enforcer? Few lines
and a stern grimace/sneer. Finally, they've found his acting niche.
He didn't do a very good job of getting the blond out of the place though, did he?

I have to admit that I did not watch "Making of the Band". I thought it was really hokey and don't like the premise. I tried to listen to them on today's show but when they started doing their synchronized movements, the only thing I could think of was this.
I laughed through the whole scene.

Erica: "And now I have a special surprise for My Daughter Bianca!"

Lucky Day: "Will you dance with me Binaca?"

Bianca (Running as fast as one can in an evening gown): "EEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeee......!!"

Run like the wind, Bianca! Keep going until you are out in the desert and see the little red bra-ed girl. Send her to PV so your mother can dress her up and parade her in front of everyone. Somehow, I think she'd like that.

Erica just can't stand not being the center of attention. She was hurt when Bianca wasn't so grateful to her for giving her a party. Then she was upset when Dimitri didn't throw himself at her feet and grovel for a dance. When will they ever let this woman grow up?

Erica: "A little cooperation on your part would help, Bianca. This party is for you you you. So work with me me me"

"I'm not dancing with Dimitri because he had to get Alex off her feet before she foaled right in the middle of the Valley Inn dance floor."

"Travis died on the day I give his daughter the biggest party of her life? How dare he upstage me?! David! Get the defibrillator!"

The Ryan/Gillian/Jake saga continues....

Gillian: "I loaf ewe wyan."

Ryan: "Me too. When are you going to tell him? I risked everything for you."

Joe: "I'm not...interrupting something...am I?

Doc Joe was real subtle, eh?

Joe: "Ryan, get your filthy paws off of my daughter in law and go back to Pine Valley or you'll be singing soprano. Capish?

Ryan: "Yes Sir."

Gillian is in the room with Jake when he asks her for the chart that a nurse brought in.

Gillian: "Chake, what ees do pwobwem?"

Jake: "Trying to calculate some numbers here... ( I only have one sperm left? Oh my God! I'll never be able to churn my own cheese!) "

Gilly: "Da mediseen must haf made ewe loopy. I'll be bock
after ewe talk to ewer fodder."

Joe: "You are thinking the worst case scenario. It could get better, you know."

Jake: "Dad, the squirrels are burying my nuts in Chechnya as we speak."

Joe: "Only one and a half, son. You still have half a testicle. You'll just have to try three times as hard. And we can always put in those noogle things they use for male dogs. You know, for aesthetics?"

Jake: "Where is my medication?"

Joe: "I'll talk to you later son."

Jake: "Dad?"

Joe: "Yes son?"

Jake: "Could you please stop whistling the Almond Joy song?"

Joe: "Sorry son."

September 7, 2000

"Back From The Dead...Again..."

Hello all. Lot's happened over the summer, hasn't it? Leo & Greens played survivor, Palmer is cruisin' the Greeks, (islands people...stop it... ;-) Vanessa is huffin' & puffin' all over PV and the wild west with and after Arlene. Dimi came back from the dead...Stuart came back from the dead...Let's get up to date with the more recent stuff...

Loved it yesterday when Arlene gave Vanessa the Faberge egg that was worth $100,000 and Nessie gave it to the barkeep to run a tab against. Now Arlene might be able to drink that much worth, but Vanessa? Maybe she'll charge her boy toys to it. Also loved Leo's reaction to the egg.

Leo: "Mother! Did you steal that egg?"

Vanessa: "Of course not dear...I laid it."

These two are a couple of the best actors on the show. I hope they never water them down.

Seems Greens has made a deal with mobster Wade Randolf and borrowed 3 million bucks for reasons I will never understand. I know Ryan "borrowed" some money from incredibledreams.com, but didn't Liza's company just float him $12 million? I'm sure he could cover it. Now Wade wants to get his grubby little fingers in all of Pine Valley's "legit" businesses. Grampy Greens and Courtlandt Electronics to name a few. My crystal ball says he is the next PV murder victim.

He has caught on to Greens and Leo's little plan and let's her know about it. Now she thinks he's going to kill her. My bet is...Gramps finds out he may hurt his little Greenlee and had him rubbed out. He confesses just before he has the "big one" and croaks in Greeny's arms. Pure speculation on my part of course.

The other potential murder victim could be Arlene, but she is way to good a character to kill off.
Boy is Adam gonna be mad when he find's out that she is not only the one that is responsible for what happened to Stuart but knew where he was most of the time. Wonder where Esther is? Do you think she'll show up in town with Judd & Mary Lynn? Brooke will either mistake Mary Lynn for Laura and/or try to adopt her.

Speaking of Stuart, he and Marion ran into each other in the attic at Casa Chandler. He because Arlene locked him in and she because she was looking for things for Frederick. They started kissing and his memory came rushing back. They fall on the bare floor and make mad passionate love. When they are done, there are pillows and blankets all around them. It's just like freakin' magic, ain't it? I'm surprised there weren't candles all around too. Maybe the attic fairies came out and decorated while they were in the throes of passion.

What was that symbol that was on Binky's shirt? Is it a secret message that says she's really a lesbian but doesn't know what to tell her beauty queen mother?

Bianca really knows how to speak Erica-ese...

Binky: "I know it's you that has to come first mom...(so I'll just sit here with this ton of food on my plate that I am not eating, but neither are you so I guess I know where I get my eating disorder from..."

Erica: "Yes dear... I come first...always...ask any man I've ever been with...here's the phone book...I'm so glad someone understands me. David's ego was in the way of our relationship. It was all his fault...he wouldn't let me come first... and I dumped him...so there!"

Binky: "Dimitri's alive..."

Erica: "What did you say Bianca Dear?"

Binky: "Let's meet here at five...and we can discuss my party some more. I am so looking forward to it."

David was all set to get jiggy with Dixie when she said she wanted to go with him to New York. Until she told him Tad was there. Why was she dressed like a ho?

She already knows he finds her attractive and she wears a dress to a business meeting that has a neckline to her navel. Oy...

So they go to NY where Arlene has been trying to seduce Adam the whole time. Arlene tells Adam that she is glad she has seen Frank's potential. I didn't even think they'd gotten around to more than kiss, did they? Adam tried to kill Arlene because he was

pissed when he heard Liza banging the headboard and he thought it was Tad. He sees Dixie in the hall and says something about deja vu. She drags her boobs over to the door and peeks in just in time to hear the out of context remark about them making love... Runs down the hallway into David's arms and sobs that Tad & Liza are having an affair. Now I guess she gets to revenge boink the good doctor and it'll be all Tad & Liza's fault that she's an idiot. And what was with the chauvinist remarks from Tad today...he referred to Dixie as incredibly bodacious and the ball & chain...And we hear that Kit Fisher has a job in the theater performing Peter & The Wolfe with sock puppets.

I wonder if the bellhop had fun picking out that negligee for Arlene?

Arlene: "...and pick me up that little number in the window in a small."

Bellhop: "Yes ma'am....Let me have that in a small please...Oh, it makes my butt look so big! But she should look good in it I guess..."

Line of the day has to go to Tad to Liza after he walks in on her and the headboard... "Was it as good for you as it was for you?"

My crystal ball was right about Jake coming back in a wheelchair...



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