Today marks a historical event for All My Children. It's the day that it officially crossed over from a soap (it gave up "cutting edge" way back) to a cartoon and shadow of it's former self. I stopped taking it seriously when they tried to make us believe that Erica had a 14 year old daughter and that she gave birth to her when she herself was 14. Uh huh..and 2 + 2 = -15...
So let's get to the dotcom party on the yacht, aptly named "Fidelity." We are supposed to believe that most of PV's upstanding citizens are inadvertently imbibing the Libidosone that Dr. Devilicious accidentally dropped into the punch as he was attempting to spike Tad's drink. Why wouldn't he just knock the punch bowl on the floor you say? Because he seems to like to stand back and watch the aftermath and he is such a bad, bad boy, that's why. What better test subjects than half of Pine Valley? It started off innocently enough....
Dr. Dave abruptly threw a pregnant teen out of PV hospital. The good fairy, Tina, who does nothing but flit from scene to scene like Tinkerbell, found said teen giving birth in some shack on the outskirts of town. (I feel a country music song coming on) She then promptly retrieved the limp Dr. Jake and his newly Martinized wife and they delivered the baby. Jake was so worried about the girl giving birth in unsanitary conditions that he rushed to the hospital to take care of his patients and check for staph infections and such, Wait...what? He didn't? He did What? He introduced his wife to Connie Lingus? I didn't know there was anyone else at the...Not Connie Ling....?.....Whoa....no wonder he talks funny...yes folks, right there in the love shack, formerly the birthing shack, Geeyun learned a new meaning to the phrase, tongue wagging. Of course, she was a European sophisticate when she first came to PV, but that memory seems to have eluded the writers...I mean...her.
On to Ryan, who gets the idea to throw a party on a yacht to raise money to help pregnant teens, since they are a new species to him. After this party, there may be a few more to help. (I think Becca is already pregnant. Either that or she has been trapped in the Martin kitchen being force fed by Ruth.) Jake signed up to test a new impotency drug seeing that the lost his ability to rise to the occasion after being shot in the back and having Ryan operate on him in a plane. Oh yes, let the guy who is sleeping with your wife perform surgery on you when the only thing he ever used a knife for was to butter a scone. Dr. Dave got his hands on the trial drug, Libidosine, and has just gone nuts with it. He has the hots for Dixie and makes love to a nurse that looks like her. He can't remember what happened but it slowly comes back to him. He still wants Dixie so he talked Leslie Coulson into getting Tad's attention while he slips the drug in Tad's drink. (Since Leslie is now an old H.S. Classmate of Tad's, even though she came in on the same train as the bad doctor) His plan is somewhat thwarted for the moment when Arlene, in disguise as a waitress, bumps into him and he drops the flask into the punch bowl. Well, everyone is just going nuts now! Dixie fells like she needs air and goes out on deck. Dave follows her and Tad beats the crap out of him...what were the side effects again? Insatiable appetite for sex, food and violence if I recall. Opal is stuffing her face (it would have been funnier if it was Hayley) with every morsel of food she can find. PV's resident lawyer and former D.A. is thinking of stuffing Erica with some nice Jack-wurst. Mateo looks like a chimp in heat and it looks like Bianca wants to introduce Laura to Connie. Arlene flips a breaker and the lights go out. Ryan shouts "Let's get nekkid! Did I say that out loud?" And then the bacchanalia really begins...
I need to know a few things here.
1. How many staterooms are there on this yacht?
2. Is anyone on the crew changing the bed linen or doesn't anyone care about the wet spots?
a. Is anyone using a bed?
3. Is anyone using birth control? (There are just some people you wouldn't want to see have children together. Vanessa and Palmer for example.)
4. Will they still respect each other in the morning?
The way people are running all over the boat at this point, I'm waiting to see Dr. Hackenbush chasing a giggling Tina across the ballroom. The punch bowl must be a cornucopia because it didn't look big enough to keep all those people drinking. And with refills yet...
Did Oddie kidnap Alex? He does have Alf running around in his head. How did they get off the boat without being seen? Maybe they pissed Greenlee off too?
Loved Arlene's disguise
Wonder what she's up too? Actually I think what's up is her contract. Too bad because she is one of the best characters on the show. At least she's going out with a bang. Too bad it's gonna be Mateo. My guess is that they don't actually do the deed but Hayley catches them and in a fit of anger, stabs her with a hair ornament and tosses her overboard. It would be interesting if they do the deed and Arlene's body isn't found (which it won't be anyway). A couple of years from now, she comes back to PV with a little monkey boy, stays at the Pine Cone, hides the kid under the bed in a gym bag...nah...too far fetched.
I suppose this is where they try to redeem the Rev. by having him save Laura from drowning. Sorry, but I cannot get past the fact that they even thought of dredging up the subject of Laura 1's death, let alone this lame story. This will probably open the door to he and Brooke having a romance. How many more people do they think we are going to believe had their face re arranged at Statesville? Who's next, Rebecca is really Billy Clyde Tuggle? Maybe Tina is Louie Greco.
Final thought for the night. Why was Arlene wearing Vanessa's new necklace when she was getting into bed with Mateo? How on earth did she get it off of her?