Monday April 10, 2000

"All I Need Is the Air ..."

Did the first few minutes of today's show leave anyone breathless? The reason I ask is because I think Vanessa not only sucked all of the air out of the AMC set, but out of my living room as well. It took me 5 minutes to get the dog unstuck from the TV screen. Is Vanessa just hamming it up or does she really need medication?

I didn't see the show at all last week so I would assume this isn't the first time they've hit the sheets. Paolo looks good in a sheet. To bad that sometime in the near future, they will be pulling one over his head. Will the killer be someone we know or a stranger/drug dealer? Let's play "Wheel Of Suspects."

How stupid is Vanessa to go out in the hallway of the hotel, where the entire town seems to walk through, in a bathrobe? I wonder if Palmer believes her lame excuse?

Vanessa: "Huh-huh-huh....PALMER!!! Wheeze, gasp, sputter, choke."

Palmer: "Vanessa? What in blazes are you doing here in your bathrobe?"

Vanessa: "We..huh-huh...ll, I dropped my on the floor and I though it may have gone...choke... under the door and into someone's...gasp....gasp... bed. Pant, pant, has an emerald on it. Have you seen it? Wheeze, gasp, huh...huh...huh..."

Palmer: "Mmmmm....I'm sure..."

Meanwhile Erica finds the emerald on the bed. I will guess she has hired Payolo to make Dave jealous.

You know, besides some family illnesses that have kept me away from the updates, the show has really just turned me off lately. It all started the day that Hayley and Mateo got back together. I literally got sick to my stomach. I haven't had the desire to even watch since then. Why don't they do something creative? Let Erica go through menopause or something. This half-assed writing really sucks. Get rid of the old characters to make room for new people we don't care about. When the stories don't catch on, just dump them. Don't even wrap them up. Oh yeah, we enjoy that. But I digress....

Tad, Liza, Dixie, Adam......ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

Leo and Becca are my favorite newcomers. Leo looks a lot better with his hair darker. He was cute today when he said, "Becca said, Hell!" I didn't know they still made Princess phones like the one Becca has. At least it had pushbuttons.

And the wheel is spin, spin, spinning....



Wednesday March 15,2000

"Mama said..."

Arlene, Arlene, Arlene...tsk, tsk, tsk. Wadda ho. But I loved her today. Who else would show up, persona non grata, and toast her daughter so eloquently?First she raided the liquor cabinet at Janet's then she asked Adrian if he'd like to have a bite of mean she'd like to bite, wait...have a bite with her... then she traded in her virgin Mary for one with more experience...

Arlene tapping on glass then handing spoon to strange man who puts it in his pocket: "A toast to my daughter. You have found salvation with your true love. (Gack!) So what if he had a wife and kid and didn't tell you? (OH YESSSSSSS!!!) And so what if I slept with your second ex-husband on your wedding day? And I would do it again if I had the chance. (I'll bet you would) I saved you from a life of hell with that loser....(Only to have another loser find her on the beach in her wedding gown.)"

And I didn't even make that up! I was dying when she said it. I loved it. I hate Hayley & Mateo soooo much I really am thinking of giving up the show. Specially if the rumors are true. I won't mention them here in case some don't like spoilers. It isn't going to be pretty from what I understand though.

And for those of you who don't know...Arlene got fired because her boss died "in the saddle." The new stable Guy better watch out. Loved Hayley's line about Arlene putting the shag back in the carpet.

AMC got nominated for an emmy for best hairdresser yet Hayley's hair looked like she just got out of the dryer and forgot the fabric softener. Maybe she forgot to use the Static Guard after she pulled that ugly ass top over her head.

Leave it to Monkeyteo to try and convince Adrian to get rid of Arlene.

'Teo: "You know about my mother in law man?"

Adrian: "I've heard the whore stories man."

'Turdo: "Get your Mojo workin' and take her home, okay man?"

Adrian asked him if he was nuts but did it anyway. Arlene suctioned herself to him with all the grace of a Hoover vacuum. I'm sure if she could've ridden him home, she would have. Tina was fit to be tied. Are they dating? Why don't they have a story line? Are we supposed to guess at the relationship or just make our own stories up as we go along? I like the latter...
Keep all of the Dillons and get rid of Hayley and Mateo. Give them their own show. That way, we who have formed the "I Hate Hayteo" club will not be subjected to them and the Hayteo lovers will be able to watch until their tiny little brains explode.

The stable boy showed up at SOS and the turd hands him a card and says come back at another time. Excuse me Munchkinman, but shouldn't you have hung a sign out front if you were having a private party? Enter Edmunster to tell him that he just hired him so he let's him stay. The stable boy said he didn't like to socialize with his bosses. I don't blame him.

Ed: "So have you been putting Scorpio through the paces?"

StableGuy (glancing at Anna...oops...Alex): "I certainly am trying."

Isn't Scorpio supposed to be Edmund's horse? Why is Alex doing all of the riding and training then? I wanna know...

Let's not forget Leo/Nessie/Dave & Erica....

Dave was fresh from his Mimosa shower, provided by Gillian. Leo and Vanasty just had to run over to the table to gloat...then back to their own table where Vanessa did a lot of mumbling about Eric, Eric Kane. My guess is that he is Leo's daddy. Why on earth is she hiding it though? You would think she would just love to rub Erica's new nose into it. And she said to Leo about her boys..."You are my life"...can they inject that line into any more dialog? I think every character on the show has uttered those words a thousand times. And that was just this week.

Dave met up with Leo later at SOS and embarrassed him in front of Becca and Scoot. Now Becca will be on a rescue mission. Then she can write a book, "How I Taught Euro-trash Writin' & 'Rithmatic (and he taught me writhing and rhythm)". She will go on "Live with Regis & Kathie Lee to promote it.

Jake's contract is almost up. He is making Gillian feel like a total loser. Like it's her fault he volunteered to be a sperm donor and nothing else and now he's hooked on a kid that isn't even his. Sheesh!

Jake: "Would you have married me if it weren't for Colby?"

Gillian: "Well, I wanted all of the romantic horsesh*t first."

Jake: "Don't you mean "courtship"?"

Gillian: "Courtship, horsesh*t, what's the difference?"

Jake: "Well you can be free if you want to be."

Gillian: "Bot eye doan wand to bee fwee."

Gillian leaves and enter Ryan...

Jake: "You knew too...?"

Ryan: "I wasn't the last to know. I wasn't the first, heck, I wasn't even the 25th person to know. Someone put up a billboard, but it wasn't me man."

Jake: "I am so glad I'm out of here. I am looking for greener pastures you know."

Ryan: "Pastures?"

Jake: "Yep, dairy cattle so I can make my own cheese."

Ryan: "See ya man..."


Wednesday March 8, 2000

"Trouble's Back In Town..."

Let's go over what has happened since last week. A lot of things have changed in PV...

"Well....slap me nekkid and call me mama!"

What a line for Arlene, eh? Only because you know she meant it...wink, wink.

Hayley: "C'mere ma...I am more than willing to oblige that request."

Arlene: "But it wouldn't be as much fun coming from you Hayley. How about it
orange boy? We can get into a little m&m. You know mama likes a little sugar...
Every time I look at you I have a craving for a fuzzy naval."

Hayley: "I thought you were on the wagon?"

Arlene: "Wagon, schmagon....I meant the white fuzz in his naval is turning me on or
maybe it's that hair. It could be just because he's breathing...C'mon little man, give
mama a big bear hug."

Mateo gasping for air: "I knew we should've gotten rid of that damn rug."

Can you just feel the love in the air when they are all in the room together?

I would really like to know why no one can smell the booze on Arlene a mile away.
She is probably upstairs filling the tub with vodka from a 5 gallon water jug and bathing
in it. Hey, maybe she thought she heard Hayley coming in and dumped a quart in the toilet

Hayley: "Why is smoky staggering?"

Arlene: "How should I know? Last time I saw him he was drinking from the toilet. Umm...

Mateo definitely has a problem. He seems to want to totally control Hayley's life.
First he tells Ryan to stay away from her, then he tells Arlene. And that same smile too. Grrrr... I really wish they would get rid of him already. He makes me so sick.
They never address his control issues or abusive behavior. He says he has acted like
Arlene but doesn't apologize for trying to get her to drink. And she just pushes it aside
with another "you are my life..yada, yada, yada". If he is supposed to be acting like this
because he has a problem, why don't they let us in on it. So far I think they feel this is
normal behavior for a young man. Not in my book pal.

Did Dixie really ask Liza to come and stay with her and Tad? Oh sure...I want my
husband's ex lover that broke up our second marriage living with us. These people need
a shrink, big time! (The writers)

The baby that plays Colby is so cute. I would just like to know who dresses her, Stevie
Wonder? That outfit she had on last week was the ugliest thing I have ever seen. Nothing matched at all. Flowers & stripes in horrible colors and her shoes and socks were different
colors from the dress.

Stevie: "Isn't she lovely.....?

Speaking of clothes....

Opal must get hers from the Fashion Avenue Barbie line. I like what she wears most of
the time. It is outrageous and totally hers. No one else could pull it off. The retro outfit
she had on last week was a hoot. And I hope all of my board buddies caught the line when
she said, "my son Tad told me to keep my head down so the audience doesn't look up your nose."

Her TV debut for her facial products reminded me of the Honeymooners doing the
"Chef Of The Future" commercial.

Ryan: "'re on!"

Opal/Ralph: "Homina, homina..."

Enter Greenlee to the rescue. You just knew the plaster mix up was coming but it was
still funny. Poor Greeny, I almost thought she was gonna bite the dust like poor Jeremy.
I guess now Opal's new ads will say, "Come and get plastered at the glamorama." I love
that the humor has come back to the show.

Erica is distressed at the fact that Myrtle has a daughter and it isn't her.

Erica: "But I'm like the daughter you never had. Why do you need one of your own? I want
you to love only me, me, me. My mother is dead. I need you to be my mother. How dare a daughter of your own show up now? I want a DNA test."

Myrtle: "But I do have a daughter. And luckily, she ain't you. Ericker, shut the hell up willya? Me old heart can't take much more. Yer killin' me heah."

So Erica left with her lower lip dragging and went to find her new true love, Dr. Dave.

Dave: "Love the pout Erica. I suppose you didn't believe your mother when she told you your face would freeze like that?"

Erica: "Love me, me, me. Pleeeeeeeeeeeease! I need you to need me. I want you, I need you, I love love meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Dave: "I have surgery."

Erica: "Let them die! Can't you see I need you now?"

Dave: "You lose."

Erica: "Lose? Erica Kane does not know the meaning of the word! I know, I'll find Jack. I know he's never gotten over me. Even if he did catch me in bed with Mike Roy. I'm sure he realizes now that it was just a little good-bye boink.

So, she runs to Jack of all people and starts having a pity party.

Erica: "I don't understand why everyone I love leaves me. I am totally committed in my relationships. I am totally faithful..."

Jack: "PHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhttt....cough....gasp....choke.!"

Erica: "Waiter...towel please."

Back to Dr. Dave. The surgery is over and they are engaged in a kiss so deep I think
he was hitting internal organs. Weeeeee......Oh sorry....daydreaming...sigh...

David: "Erica, you do have the sweetest pancreas..."

Ring, ring....Erica this is Adam. I need you to come to the court housssssssssssssssse. NOW!"

Thud! Was that the sound of Erica dropping Dave like a hot potato? Yes it was...She ran to the courthouse as fast as her little tiny spike heeled shoes would carry her. Of course she was there to spill the beans but had to first tell the judge who she was and how important she was. Just say it all ready!" But the judge didn't give a rats patoot and promptly threw her little can into the PV can. Of course before they slammed the door on her she had her hands on Derrick the dopiest cop in the USA's cell phone. I think she made about a dozen calls. The last I heard they didn't let you bring your purse, belt and jewelry into a jail cell with you. But I guess it's like Jack said, "we all just sit back and bask in the glory that is Erica." Well, I don't know why Erica would do anything for Adam since she is supposed to hate his guts. I thought she liked the Martins? You know Adam wants to stand up and shout, "COLBY IS MY BABY DAMMIT!" But he's to whipped to do it himself.

On last Thursday's show, was I seeing things or was there something hanging off
Tad's nose when he was talking to Dixie? It sure looked like it. Maybe the beans
were to the bursting point?

Speaking of spilling the beans....
The one of the longest and stupidest story lines in soap history is now over so let me get this straight. Liza didn't want to tell Jake because she wanted to have Colby raised a Martin and she didn't want to hurt him? There are several things wrong with this. One
being that the whole town knew and it made him look like a total moron. Another being
that, did she think it was better to let it come out in the courtroom in front of all his
friends and family? She had a million chances to tell him as we all know. Why was there
ever a court trial? The only thing it accomplished was that Jake was totally humiliated.
I felt bad for him but, I am so glad the sperm beans have been spilt. Now they are all
over the courtroom and no one is happy except Adam. He is walking around with a
Cheshire cat grin. I'm surprised he isn't passing out cigars.

Adam: "Here ya go Jack. Did Liza forget to tell you a thing or two? Have a cigar on me.
Here Joe, have a cigar..."

Joe: Punch!

Adam: "Hit me all you want to Joe. It could never hurt me as much as the cheese being
mine is hurting you."

"Weebles wobble, but they don't fall down."

Things are heating up between Alex and Edmund. This must mean Dimitri will be back soon. But wait...who is that sinister leather clad figure lurking in the background? When they come back to the US after their stop at the "Blue Willow Cafe-UK", will the lurker follow? Will he/she hide in the walls and secret passages of Wildwind? Edmund told Alex she has to come back because Maddy & Sam miss her. Have they ever even met? I don't remember any scenes with them together. Other than when she took Maddie's picture of course. Another couple I would like to see take a permanent vacation...

Poor Greenlee. We see her on Tuesday with Ryan and not only is her face a mess from the plaster but she got stepped on by a basketball player and has a huge bruise on her forehead.
Why doesn't she just use some of that new makeup Erica had designed by Dr. Fantasia or whatever his name was? I like Ryan & Greenlee together but you know now that Ryan and Gilly will be getting back together. We haven't had any fake pregnancies lately have we? Let's see...Ryan & Greeny go at it and in the heat of passion Ryan forgets to use the party hat or Greeny "forgets" her whatever. Ryan and Gilly get back together and then Greeny tells them she's preggers and so on, and so on....

Last but not least the Snoop Sisters found Rae's file. I have one question about that file. Rae was adopted by people named Washburn. If she gave birth as an unmarried teen, why did the file say Rae Cummings? Another inconsistency to ponder.


Monday February 22, 2000

"Whose Life Is It Anyway?"

Alex's alter ego tried to turn Dr. Dave into a jelly fish today. She still doesn't
know who is trying to escape from her inner self. She and Edmund are on the trail
of her past so we may be getting a somewhat interesting story. Will
she turn out to be Anna Devane, I wonder?

It was certainly interesting at Myrtle's house today. Besides the fireplace lighting
itself and the tea on the table that no one made, we found out Myrt had a baby. Could it be...............Rae? And it's probably just me, but every time they say, "Elsah, Illinois",
the song "Gary, Indiana" from "The Music Man" goes through my head.

Myrtle, honey those eylashes....
Just a little too much.

Myrtle wanted to be alone, but that just wasn't happening. Erica barged in like
she owned the place.

Erica: "Myrtle! Where have you been, Myrtle? Why haven't you answered your phone,
Myrtle? Myrtle, you didn't even open The Boutique. Why Myrtle, you didn't even go to
Joke and Gillian's wedding Myrtle. Myrtle, what's wrong with you?"

Myrtle: "I had ta go outta town dearie."

Erica: "Well Myrtle, why didn't you tell someone? And what is that folder you are
trying to hide Myrtle?"

Myrtle: "It's personal Ericker. I'd rather not talk about it if ya don't mind."

Erica: "Well I will not stop nagging you until you tell me everything Myrtle."

Myrtle: "All right stop houndin' me! I had a baby!"

Erica: "Well you carried it so well. I didn't even know you were pregnant Myrtle."

Myrtle: "You idgit, not today! Years ago when I was young and in the ca'ney ...
I had a baby."

"I had a thing for the man who walked the wire.

He used to take me for spins on the Ferris wheel."

Close enough

But he turned out to be a rat and left before I could tell him I was pregnant.

Erica: "I didn't know you were a spinner* Myrtle"

Myrtle: "Oh I was much thinner when I was younger dearie. I was a great spinner...and he was my know?"

Erica: "Oh yes I do. But I thought you would have preferred a different type of man.

Myrtle: "Well I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl in Elsa, Illinois and I gave her up for adoption. I have found the records of the birth and I was thinking..."

Erica: "No Myrtle, you can't! It will only bring you pain and heartache. I have three little words for you.

Sarah Michelle Gellar

"Besides, I am like a daughter to you and that should be enough." (Oh yeah...uh huh. The daughter to end all daughters.) "Burn it!"

Rae: "Burn what? Well I'll just help my self to a cup of tea that wasn't here a minute ago while Myrtle ponders throwing something in the fire that wasn't burning in the last scene. Hello Erica."

Erica: "Well, she certainly makes herself at home! (yeah, well at least she is renting a room) But let's get back to what I was pounding into your head Myrtle. Burn it!"

I think Myrt should stuff Erica into the fireplace right about now. This is really none of her business but she sticks her nose in anyway. Sheesh, try to keep a secret in this town!

I hate Payolo's accent but I have to say he looked great without that shirt today. Hubba, hubba!
I am sorry to hear it only takes him 15 minutes though. What kind of self respecting gigolo is he?

Payolo: "I am a cod-a, no-a?"

Marion: "Cod? I prefer caviar dahling."

Payolo: "Let-a mia pour-a you-a some-a champagñe-a Maryann-a."

Hey-a Payolo, do you think you could put any more drugs into the glass? Idiot-a!

Poor Stuart, sitting home all alone and waiting for Marion. He really wants to see her in her wedding gown by I.C. Urboobzapoppin. That guy really knows how to design a décolletage.
This isn't going to be pretty. Adam might want to hurt Marion but doesn't he care how much he is hurting his brother?


*Spinner - Yes, Random Rick used it in one of his articles. Just carrying on the thought... ;^)

Monday February 14, 2000

"If I Could Save Time In A Bottle...

Just what the hell time is it in Pine Valley? Does the mall close at midnight?
Does everyone stay out so late? It was midnight when Gramamama came into
Gillian's room.

Gramamama: "Jake! What are you still doing here? Isn't your damn contract up
yet? I thought we'd be rid of you by now!"

Will they have her escort him to the curb on his last day?

Adam let Ryan in on the secret today....

Adam: "Colby is not Jake'ssssssssssssss."

Ryan promptly ran over to Wildwind, vaulted the wall and scaled the trellis to
Gilly's room. That Slomen's guy with the shield must have been sleeping again.
Of course if a crook ever ran into a guy dressed like that while going to rob a house,
I'm sure the cops would have him in no time. He'd be falling on the ground in
stitches laughing so hard at the guy, he'd be helpless.

Ryan: "Gilly, what are you doing?"

Gillian: "I'm lighting a candle and going to sleep. I want to see if the new
sprinkler system works.

Oh damn ewe, Wyan! Ewe have put out my heart light. I'll never forgive ewe!
And on Valentino's Day too... Ewe should be ashamed of ewerself."

Ryan: "I know about Colby."

Gillian: "Ewe mean..."

Ryan: "Yes, I know the cheese is tainted."

Gillian: "But I took good care of her and changed her and..."

Ryan: "It's what Adam changed that's the problem."

Gillian: "I am marryink Jake anyway."

Ryan: "But no one can love you like I can. You are my life."

Gillian: "I am so sick of hearink dat Wyan. Dat is not what Greensleeves told me."

Ryan: "Who...?"

Gillian: "Greensleeves...Greenlee...Greentea...Greenho...Greenlay...Greensea...

Ryan: "You've been surfin' the 'net again. Haven't you, Princess?"

Meanwhile Jake is going to join Tad & Dixie at the Valley Inn for some midnight
chocolate, and the house special, chips and paraffin dip. This is, Tad explains, because it's Jake's last
night as a single man and they can't bring strippers to Myrtle's. Somehow
I don't think she would have a problem with that. She might even volunteer.

The Valley Inn is busy tonight and Leo's gigolo friend Payolo is trying to
romance Marion because Leo isn't up to the task.

"Payolo" has the worst Italian accent I have ever heard. I love men with Italian
accents and this guy does not do it for me. Too phony and forced. Marioni
Chandeleri? Puh-leez...Not to mention the guy has a huge head. I do like
Leo's new name however. "Layo"....oh the possibilities. Greenlay and Layo,
the two ho's of Pine Valley."La-yo....Lay-ay-ay-o....Layo come and it's time to go

It's Alex, Pine Valley Ranger. Is Alex going to turn out to be Anna Devane?
I remember Anna as having a pretty extensive history with Duke Lavery and
Robert Scorpio. Not to mention Sean Riley. It wasn't only a couple of possible
lost years. She had relationships, marriages and a daughter that spanned
many years. But if she isn't Anna, how does she know the fancy karate?

Edmund: "How do you know martial arts?"

Alex: "It was just a reflex."

Edmund: "You have to have thousands of hours of training for it to become a reflex."

Alex: "I have killer PMS."

Edmund: "Very funny."

Alex (gritting her teeth): "No, I mean I have killer PMS. I recall I was
just getting my first visit when I pushed Geoffrey down the stairs.
Do you doubt me?"

Edmund: ", no...and...I was just leaving."

So am I.


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